KWOON - Threefold Lotus Martial Arts

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The pain of Ending Friendships

We live in a world dominated by the illusions of happiness through attachment to "things". People race around trying to get the latest "this" or "that", adding to their prowess and status as thought the latest eyeglass fad, bobble-head doll, lingerie, music cd, haircut, computer device, cell phone or cover will actually augment their physical presence; in the ludicrous goal to be smarter, better "looking", "trendy-er", "techy-er", "hip-er", more "attractive" than the "competition".

In this atmosphere, no person stops to ask the most obvious questions; "more "attractive" than who?" " hip-er than, trendy-er than, techy-er than, who? The "competition" is externalized to co-workers, relatives, "friends", when in fact it is the self with which the ego is in competition. And this is a craving never satiated. Also, all this is in order to "attract" whom? Again, the attraction is internal. The very idea of "being" "attractive" no longer constitutes self and other in our modern vernacular. To "be" "attractive" is to simply possess the "best" "this" or "that" empirically! What madness.

This unrelenting craving is at the root of the ego's thirst for "identification". And this "identification" is today confused for a person's "identity", replacing the wondrously pure and compassionate "being" that is you, with a fabricated "image". An image fabricated of; "this" and "that" and new "these" and tanned "those" and an "it" to die for.

When "identity" is sought through material constructs, relationships with other "identities" become arrangements and negotiations of "appearance". And appearances are malleable things that shift and bend with the ego's fantastic powers of abstraction. The ego is free to twist and leap without the boundaries of the physical world. The ego "knows" the mind is truly unfettered by the physical world. The ego then is all-powerful as soon as it gets "you" to commit to its logic. The ego and its power are totally dependent on your acceptance of only one primary "truth". The "truth" is pounded into the "modern" psyche with a cruel efficiency every day of every year all day long; "You are what you eat", "The clothes make the man", Blondes have more fun", No pain no gain", "Bigger", "Better", "New", "Improved", "Can't live without it!" "Don't be caught without it", "Keep up with the Jones's", and on it goes.

With these kinds of imperatives in our daily lives, how difficult it is to remember that we are transcendent "beings" of eternal value. Greatest of all to remember is our interconnectedness. The "reality" that we are all the same entity of life, all enlightened, all compassionate, all knowing, perfect "being". No no no no no! The ego will have none of that! How can I be the greatest? How can I demonstrate my superiority? How can I make others respect me, desire me, fear me? To quote an old song, "Where is the Love"? In fact, all the egotistic desires for negative re-enforcement such as fear, compliance, submission, etc. stem from the very fragility of the ego's constructions. Isn't is interesting that whenever we are faced with the definite article of a person who is truly accomplished, truly polished and compassionate, all fear and anxiety disappear. Those who intuitively draw love, admiration, respect from us, need never demand it. The accomplished person has no need for such threats to bolster ego. It is only the ego's fragile house of cards that mandates such negatives.

Of course those persons under the heavy influence of the ego also know little of respect for such an accomplished person, as their ego fights for "identity" even in the presence of the greatest masters of life. This is a situation where the master may demand respect from a student to break the ego's hold on the students mind. Respect, ideally should be intuitive and automatic. In fact, respect, because we are all of the eternal omniscient life force, should be instantaneous.

Why all this discourse on the ego and respect? How can "relationships" amongst people have any basis in reality and bear the fruits of love, admiration, and trust, without the natural and free flow of respect without ego?

And yet, we live in the world of Samsara; a word created and sustained by the constructs of the ego. So perhaps we should have another look at this Samsaric world of the ego to find some positive use for it, as long as we are here. If we are in fact, an eternal and omniscient life force, of what possible reason could we have conspired to create such a deluded and confusing "reality"? Well, there is more than a little thrill and fascination that comes from the creative act. To create, in point of fact, it would seem is our greatest ability. So much so that it predominates our entire Samsaric existence. We even destroy indiscriminately for the sake of creation. From urban renewal to war and the planet itself, we destroy with the justification to create new life, new philosophy, and new "peace". Of course there is much delusion by the ego involved in a great many of these destructions that threaten the very existence of the Earth and our species. None the less, it is a powerful motivator.

Then there is the "idea" that we can "see" "others" and ourselves in an interactive format. This is a bit more vain I'll admit, and maybe more egotistical in nature, but still, an interesting proposition. Actually, let's "look" at that interactive quality a bit more closely. By interaction, we are by definition, "subject" and "object", or "self" and "other", making it intrinsic of our actions to "affect" the "other" and ourselves. And if we can affect, then we can "change" others and ourselves. And if we can change others as well as ourselves, are we not motivated again by creativity? And here is the "rub". To "create", does not in itself carry the distinction of positive or negative, good or bad, loving or hateful, constructive or destructive. So this is the conundrum of life, to choose, to accept, to purify, or to defile.

Yet if creativity is truly the motive force of the eternal life force, would it not be more satisfying to create the inspirational, the awe inspiring, the all potential led, omniscient state of life? But is that not what we have already stated that we are? Another conundrum it would seem. Yet, if we consider our lives on this Earth, we do play an amazing and awe inspiring role with the power of our choices to act upon the current of the eternal life flowing through each and every one of us. It is with the choices we make, positive or negative, loving, or hateful, creative or destructive, compassionate or deceitful that we influence the entirety of eternal life in the universe. This is truly unfathomable. To consider that the choice I make to berate someone in my path or simply to smile and step aside has a direct and consequential affect on the whole of life of mine, of the society, of the planet, of the cosmos, is more than I can perceive and yet it is so.

This is a big responsibility. And it is also a truly omniscient opportunity. It is only through this Samsaric "reality" of phenomena that we are able to do this. When we are not in human form, when we are at "rest", re-assimilated into the life force of the universe, we cannot take action on such a minute and specific level. The life force of the universe creates universes, where individuation can flourish and individuals can interact. Where persons can decide to be "friends".

So having come to this, of what substance is "friendship"? The Samsaric definition of "friendship" is almost synonymous with reciprocity. There is no good or bad, loving or abusive definition accompanying the establishment of "friendship". The choice again is ours. To create and conduct friendships with the highest of human ideals, commensurate with our true nature as omniscient eternal life entities, would seem the prevalent goal. But this is Samsara, and we are representative not only of our innate magnificence, but also our garbage heap of mistakes from the past. Oh yes, causes are causes, and whenever we make a negative one, that indelible imprint remains on all of life, until new causes are made, specific to those mistakes, to correct or cleanse those negatives from the life conditions in this and future worlds. So friendship gets a bit more complicated. With this in mind it might do to define friendship in a new way. Let us say the "friendship" represents a partnership, which by its nature demands some commitment in the discovery, analysis, and definition of each ego and its motivators for the elucidation of each partner, to expose and assist in the process of cleansing or purifying negative imprints and creating new positive actions in each life and others. Wow, that's a bit more involved than the reciprocity thing. Never the less, it is much more accurate.

Now if the friends are of the same dedication, the friendship may last an entire lifetime. As difficulties arise, the level of commitment is challenged and resolved or broken. If resolved, the friendship continues with an ever more determined goal of purification or limps along with damaged egos trained on retribution or negative causes until one or both partners explode in a violent display of destruction. If broken, the friendship may end with negative emotions from the Samsaric attachments of the ego, and once again negative causes can be made. The reality of friendships is that they never come of two people on the same place in their ideals. This in fact is the challenge of friendship and interaction in general. To state the obvious here for the record, the Samsaric universe is "created" via differentiation. If any two phenomena were to be exactly the same, the entire universe could not exist. So there is no other person exactly the same as you. The good part is, that beneath the Samsaric veneer, we are all exactly the same, in fact one and the same, and that is why our "real" state is free of birth and death. The two states are mutually exclusive. You cannot be everything, and two different things, at the same time.

Now, back to friendship. It becomes very obvious, with our new definition of friendship, that this is a very important activity. Relationships in general can be included in our definition as all relationships are in some form are committed partnership. Even your pet fish is a relationship. So it would seem imperative to keep and to nurture friendships as much as possible. But when does this not make sense. When do the imperative breakdown and the circumstances warrant a rethinking? Because friendships are arrangements between individuals, and individuals make choices for their own actions in positive or negative ways, it is in the nature of people to have evolving paths that lead them to either greater happiness or greater confusion, agitation, or suffering. The more a person is controlled by the ego and Samsaric attachments, the greater that persons suffering will become. In the same way, the greater a persons efforts to break away the Samsaric bonds of the ego and to liberate their mind, the greater their experience of love and compassion for life and all "things" "other" grows within their life. Of course we all have better moments and lesser ones, but it is the general tendency that is in question here.

Since tendencies are individual, it is rare indeed to find such similar tendencies amongst others to expect friendships to last indefinitely. Yet, or egos crave attachments, and other people are certainly no exception. In fact, the friendship in some cases may be only an ego's pretext to "identity" by association. Having said that, skill in removing one's "self" from relationships is essential if we are to remain on a positive and creative path toward our happiness.

Days come and go. Years go past never to return. Friendships end. Life ends. Everything in the Samsaric world is constrained to duration. It is a fundamental concept of Buddhist thought that all "things", all phenomena are impermanent. And so it is with friendships as well. When friendships end well, it is usually due to both parties wishing happiness and good prospects for the other as they part for varying reasons on new paths or simply faraway existences. Very often however, friendships and relationships of all sort ends when the people involved no longer "suit" one another. This may be due to the choices discussed earlier, or it may be that the cause making direction one or the other is on simply conflict. At this point we reach another choice. When both friends can discuss the choices, often the friendship is able to continue, as this is part of the commitment to raise the life condition of each partner. More often, unfortunately, it is one of the partners who decide to end a friendship. This is almost exclusively the result of divergent paths, where one person's causes are Samsarically based more on the ego than on self-discovery, enlightenment, and happiness. Although the ego is vehement about laying claim to the word "happiness", I use it here as discussed earlier, to indicate the person's commitment to manifestation of the omniscient eternal life force completely unattached to worldly egotistical cravings and thereby a liberated mind. Whether one person is completely dedicated to enlightenment is not the question here. The point I wish to illustrate is that the two persons involved are not in congruence in their patterns of action with reference to the earlier discussion of choices for better or for lesser.

When this situation arises, there are two golden rules to be mindful of:

1- The friendship existed because both of you were attracted by similar needs in your life conditions at the time you met. As such, this has been your partner in self-discovery for your choice to use to better your life or to condition it further into the attachments and sufferings of your ego. Whether you are the instigator or not, the fact remains that the friendship, fro whatever role it played in your evolution, has played out its role and is now ready to be released. To do so with dignity and compassion is essential to your continued growth and peaceful mind. To do otherwise will leave scaring and emotional manipulations by your ego that will induce more pain and probably more negative causes left for you to clean up. This is an example of the Buddha's teaching that in order to achieve our own enlightenment, we must endeavour always to raise the consciousness of others. For, without the awakening of those around us, our enlightenment is incomplete.
2- There is a big difference between offence and harm. So often when friendships breakdown, one or both partners will wage a war of words or defamations on the other as justification for their termination of the relationship. This is truly sad, but does not have to be hurtful. Firstly, Harm is when someone steps on your foot or scraps the paint on your car. Harm means actual damage for which you are entitled to compensation. This rarely happens in relationship wars, but not rarely enough. When this happens, communications are best left unsaid unless through legal representatives with "cooler" heads. Still though, it is imperative that you remain compassionate and calm. After all, your car can be repaired. You on the other hand, need to stay focused on your goals of happiness and to find in yourself where such relationship was attractive to you in the first place. Having said that, the more common action is verbal abuse in some form. Here is the big clue, Offence can only be offered. In itself, Offence cannot cause harm, except to the person making the cause. There is no offence in the universe that can inflict any pain or malaise upon you other than sadness for the life condition of the other. If you find you are "feeling" hurt or questioning your "fault", then you have made a choice, you have decided to "take" the offence and "own" it. All the quoted words indicate states of mind run by the ego. Your ego is the only "thing" in you that can "feel" so fragile and insecure. You are omniscient!

So to conclude this short essay, I would like to congratulate you on your decision to stay the course and adopt a life-affirming attitude regarding your life and path to happiness. Keep it up; you are worth it.

Rev. Sylvain Chamberland, Nyudo

BACKGROUND

After a telephone conversation with his mother, the reverend, at the urging of his wife, thought it useful to write an essay concerning the difficulties of ending friendships. To understand the difficulty with a proper perspective, reverend Sylvain takes the opportunity to explain the dynamics of relationships in relation to the individual and the life condition of those individuals. By first understanding the mechanisms in ourselves to seek and to find relationships, we can better understand the reasons and the methods for ending them with dignity and compassion.

The other important point of this letter reveals a primary teaching of the Buddha from his culminating sutra, the Lotus Sutra, in which is shown that as we all constitute the same "One" universal force of life, that "we" are actually "One" and therefore inseparable in our ultimate life condition. More explicitly, this means that though one may dedicate their life to the practice of all the teachings and tenets of Buddhism to attain one's enlightenment and awakening, the enlightened state will be incomplete until all parts of the consciousness or life force are also enlightened. So when it comes to friendships or relationships or any "others", it is critical for us to remember that the life condition of those "others" directly affects our enlightenment. This is a major point which other Buddhist sects like Zen and Shinto and countless others who do not understand the primacy of the Lotus Sutra, do not practice or understand. To seek enlightenment for one's self in the hopes of thereby "imbuing" the surrounding population with light is fanciful at best. It is only through the compassionate and courageous actions of the Bodhisattva practice that we will attain full enlightenment. This is the path taught in Quantum Life and the Threefold Lotus Kwoon and Sanctuary. And it is the reason that Reverend Sylvain calls those who follow the path of Quantum Life, "excellent beings". To be an excellent being is to lead all those with whom you come in contact to the same enlightenment for which you yourself strive.